Recalibration

Sometimes, life piles up on us and it happens so gradually we don’t even realize it. That’s the position I found myself in when I went on maternity leave. I knew I had been super-stressed out, unhappy and just not myself, but it wasn't until I  stepped back that I realized just how close to a break down I was and that my attitude was taking a serious toll on my family.

My life pile-ups all happened gradually. I've always been responsible for the bulk of the work of running the household, which is fine. And I LOVE a clean and organized house and feel like my life is chaotic when the house is chaotic, so I spend a good deal of time cleaning. Anyone who has or had young children knows it takes round-the-clock tidying/cleaning to keep up with little kids and their messes! Then Annaliese had a run of back-to-back illnesses a year ago and the pediatrician recommended we cut out as much processed food and sugar as possible, which I did, and her health improved dramatically. But I added work hours to my day to make most meals from scratch, including making my own bread every week.

Pile on #3: I really enjoy doing activities with the kids & modern moms are under constant pressure to be “their kids’ first teacher,” so I added learning activities to my to-do list. Because that’s what “good moms” do, right? Pile on #4: I took a leadership role with my church’s moms’ group and began coordinating all field trips, service projects and our Facebook page. Pile on #5: I joined the kids’ preschool board.

Pile on #6 and the straw that broke the camel’s back: I got an awesome promotion, and suddenly my 20 hour work week expanded to 30+ hours. I was still responsible for my old position, AND I was now directly advising an energetic, first-year president on fundraising activities. I was checking email right before bed, first thing in the morning and occasionally in the middle of the night when the president was in a different time zone and needed an immediate response. The pace was fast and furious, and while I loved it, I hadn't removed any of the other items from my plate so I was totally drowning in self-inflicted expectations that I handle full-time professional responsibilities without full-time childcare and without letting go of any of the things that I love to do when I’m in stay-at-home-mom mode. You can see why I was near a breakdown!

Stepping back while on maternity leave was the best thing that could have happened to my family and me. Thanks to pep talks from my mom, Hillary and Ann-Renee, I am adjusting my expectations for how clean and orderly my house needs to be. This is a hard one, but I’m learning to lower my standards. Chris has pitched in with grocery shopping, meal planning and preparation, and while we still try to eat healthy, I've cut back on what I make from scratch. I stepped down from my leadership role with Moms’ Group. And to help me keep my priorities in check and not get sucked back into that 24/7 work culture, I wrote myself this contract:

I've been back to work one month now, and it takes a serious effort to not fall back into my bad habits. But the reality is, my family doesn't need homemade bread, a super-clean house and pre-reading worksheets for kids nearly as much as they need a happy  mom and wife. And they REALLY don’t need a mom who is focused on work even when she’s not in the office.

What my family needs most of all, I've come to learn, is a mama and wife who is fully present.

They need me to put down my iPhone and read them a story, they need me to listen to how their day was and offer support and not fold laundry while I (halfway) listen to them, they need me to not be so tied up in knots with all of the things I’m trying to do that I’m stressed out, irritable and snappy.

So I've re-calibrated and lowered my expectations for myself in all areas. The beautiful thing about letting myself off the hook, I’m learning, is I don’t hold the people I love to such exacting standards either. I have no doubt this will be an on-going struggle, but I don’t want to get back to where I was before Marin was born. These early years with young kiddos are precious and fleeting AND utterly exhausting. This isn't the time to try to be all things to all people or to have high expectations for what I can accomplish because the reality is it’s simply not possible to “have it all” and stay sane. Looking back, I’m confident I’ll find my greatest accomplishments during this season of life will be the choices I made to put my kids and marriage first because ultimately they are what matter. So here's to a new attitude! May I keep the necessary balls in the air, let all unnecessary ones drop and have the wisdom to know the difference!